This is my first post of the new year.  So far, it has been relatively uneventful in either direction.  I’ve been somewhat weepier than I had been for awhile and I’m not sure if it’s a byproduct of trying to stay strong through the holidays until my tank got too full, or if it has something to do with the fact that January has long been hard since my father passed away on the 4th twenty years ago today, or if it’s merely related to more time passing.

In any case, I’ve been crying more than I had been, but still seem able to handle it better.  Perhaps it’s not that my sorrow is any less deep, but that my foundation is stronger now.  I’m better equipped to handle the moments when they come.

New Year’s Eve and Day came and went without much fanfare.  My husband and I rarely did anything away from home because I always hated to be on the road with potentially inebriated drivers.  As he wasn’t much of a party person, he humored me in this and we rarely stayed awake to see midnight.  We would, instead, find some old movie on TV, maybe order Chinese or pizza, and cuddle on the couch.  Save the cuddling, this year was much the same.

A few nights ago, though, I woke in the wee hours of the morning with a jolt.  I had been dreaming of A.  We were together somewhere (it seemed like a bazaar of sorts) and we had been talking to a man behind a folding table.  As I was explaining something to the man, my husband turned to me and leaned down to speak into my ear.  What should have been a whisper was more of a shout (which was what woke me up, actually.  I heard him speaking in my ear, very clearly, very loudly).  He said “may your days be filled with shoes.”

Initially, I  wondered “now what kind of message is that?!” Now, I’ve never been a woman with a ton of shoes.  At least not the way a lot of women are.  I’m certainly no Imelda

Marcos or Carrie Bradshaw.  Once upon a time, I definitely had more than I do now and was known to wear heels on almost a daily basis.  I would wear them for 8+ hours a day without a problem, and people often wondered how I could “walk in those things!”  And A would often help me shop, choosing some shoes with personality; he once bought me a pair as a gift that had so much personality, I was unprepared for them!

I Googled some information about shoes and dreaming, but none of what I found seemed to apply, mostly because it talked about wearing the shoes, or what type they were, but not simply talking about them.

When I told my kids, they each had their own theories.  My son thought it had something to do with wanting me to have everything I wanted and that he couldn’t give me.  As if he were wishing me abundance.  My oldest felt it was a call for retail therapy.  But the two of them believed there was a deeper message, something that should have been profound, but he wasn’t able to express himself properly because he was, well…., “it’s dad”.

And then the Duchess sent a picture she found on Tumblr that seemed to be almost eerie in its message.  Not only did it talk about “days filled with shoes” (only in this case the sentence ended with “that don’t hurt your feet”, it was a tribute message to Carrie Fisher and referenced a photo shoot where she tossed her shoes aside in the middle of the session because she couldn’t abide by their discomfort any longer.  To my daughter, the message was that he didn’t want me to be in pain, and he woke me up before the rest of the sentence could be spoken.

I like to think that each of my children were right in some respect.  A would never want me to be in pain, and he always dreamed of giving me everything I wanted, including a pair (or 17) of Christian Louboutins or Jimmy Choos. And surprisingly, he loved shopping with us.  It made him smile to see us smile over a new purchase.

To me, though, the message was something different.  Shoes are worn to walk.  Walking takes you places.  He knew of my wanderlust, and even shared it with me to a certain extent.  But we talked of world travel.  Often.  We’d speak of the numerous amazing places on this planet that we wanted to see one day. His dream was to become a successful golfer which would allow us the freedom, financial and otherwise, to go wherever we wanted, whenever we felt like it.

To me, his message was just that.  He wishes me days filled with travel.  He wants me to get to go to the places he was unable to take me. He wants me to see the world in all its glory.  He wants my passport book to be filled with stamps.   And he wants me to do it all in comfort and style.  Just like a great pair of shoes.

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