[I apologize in advance for being so philosophical and reflective, but it seems that my thoughts are less emotional and more cerebral today. At least they are right at this particular moment.  Note that I don’t actually have the answers to the meaning of life, so if you’re looking here to find them, you should probably continue on – as they say, there’s nothing to see here.  Cheri G]

I got to thinking this morning about how unfair all of this has been.  Losing my husband so suddenly, my kids losing their father, knowing my husband will never get to see his son graduate high school or his children get married, he’ll never hold his future grandchildren, and we won’t be able to grow old and travel the world together the way we had planned.  The list goes on.   Now, I know they say “life isn’t fair”, but does it have to be so unfair?

It made me wonder if we are put on this Earth to learn a lesson, and if all of those who pass too soon (or at least what we feel is too young) simply learned their lessons more quickly.  Are the rest of us slower learners, or do we merely have more assignments to complete, as if those who live into their 80s, 90s and beyond are going for the PhDs in Human Existence, while some only need to pass the GED?

Do we need to touch a certain number of beings before we can go?  Are we required to fulfill our duties by changing x number of individuals’ lives before we graduate to our eternal state?  And if so, do we all have the same allotment, or are we given different tasks?  Are we here to complete one mission only, to change the life of one individual, and some of us simply find that person much sooner than others.

Or perhaps we are only allowed a finite amount of happiness before we’re required to experience pain, and because A and I were genuinely happy with one another and had been together for so many years that now it’s someone else’s turn.  Is finding love our life mission, or are we required to do something specific with it?

Perhaps leaving too soon is an admittance of sorts, those who pass early have earned that right more quickly than those who don’t.  Because A definitely loved with everything he had, and I would sometimes feel he was capable of loving more than I was (and perhaps still am). Whenever I expressed those concerns, he vehemently denied them, and always insisted that I loved just as deeply as he did.  Maybe it was simply that he allowed himself to be more open while I held back a little for fear of getting hurt, rather than me being inadequate in any way, and in doing so, he fulfilled his objective.

I know so many couples who have been together 20, 30, 50+ years and can barely tolerate one another, if at all.  Couples who seem to spend every day thinking up new ways to annoy each other.  Why do they get to live such long (yet miserable) lives?  Is that their punishment, to be afflicted longer?  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?  Shouldn’t we be rewarded for love?  I think those of us who actually experience joy and search for the good in life, one another, and the world around us should get to stay longer and share that love with others.

So which is it?  Is someone’s passing a reward for that person, or a punishment for the rest of us?  Perhaps it’s both.  More likely it’s neither and I’m simply looking for answers where there really aren’t any.  I’m simply trying to make sense of a senseless situation.

I’m confident that one day I will know the answer to these questions, but when I do, I’ll have reached that point where I’m unable to share the wisdom with the rest of the planet.  I suppose that’s the crux of it, isn’t it… that once you’ve earned the privilege of knowing the answers, you’re with those who had already learned them, and you’re left to cheer the rest of us on from a distance as we continue our own journey to search for the meaning of life and death.

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