Everywhere I turn, I’m reminded of my husband. Having spent 32 years together, it’s not surprising that his absence is now very keenly felt. But it goes deeper than that. He was my first, he was my last, he was my everything in between. We chose everything from furniture to clothes to groceries together. His influence is reflected in my wardrobe, and my hairstyle.
Some days I’m numb, and it makes me forget. Then, I’ll think of something I want to tell him before remembering that he’s not here. Some days I’m angry at him; he promised he would never leave me. Some days I’m just so heartbroken and empty and I wonder if I’ll ever be “me” again.
I’ve aged ten years in just over a month. My eyes are puffy, red and scratchy, and at times they just won’t stop “leaking”. I’ve got creases in my forehead that weren’t there before. My heart is missing and I find it difficult to care about much of anything. Every little setback or annoyance or difficulty is a mountain over which to climb, but it’s difficult when my soul is leaden and all I want to do is lie down and give up.
I know I will get through this. I always have. But on the days when I can’t see even a glimmer of hope through the darkness, it’s easy to forget what I’ve already overcome and to question whether this blackness has become my new home. Hopefully, I will soon find that little-used back door, all but forgotten, through which I can make my escape soon. Very soon…
© 2016 Many Faces of Cheri G All Rights Reserved
2 thoughts on “Escape Route”
I can truly see, from your blogs, how in love you both were with each other, a true love. You do not see that all to often nowadays, and you have overcome a lot of obstacles together, but this one is a real test to have to do it alone. Please keep writing if it helps you to deal with your grief, even if people don’t read them, it is good therapy, and I hope it brings you some comfort. I for one, love reading them, not only to get a better understanding of who A was, but of who you are. I hope someday, we may meet, I have a feeling we could be friends, not just facebook friends.
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Thank you. I’m glad that you’re getting a better sense of who my husband was as he was a very caring man with a generous heart and he gave so much to all of us who loved him. And I will definitely continue to write… whether anyone reads my words or not. It serves as an outlet, much like a steam vent on a tea kettle. I’ve got so much brewing inside that if I didn’t let it out, I would surely lose my mind.