I had my first real dream of my husband last night since his passing. I’ve been waiting for it to happen, and have honestly felt somewhat slighted that he hadn’t visited yet. Some nights, I fall asleep talking to him and asking, begging, him to speak to me in my dreams. I desperately miss him and would love to communicate with him again.
After having this dream, however, I can honestly say I would have been content not having it. At least not having this particular dream. I don’t recall many details, but remember that we were together somewhere and I reached for his hand. He pulled his hand back and gave me an angry look. It was a bit unsettling, and naturally made me heartbroken. Why didn’t he want to hold my hand, and why was he angry with me?
I woke up on the “wrong” side of the bed… his side of the bed, and I had been avoiding his side; anything on the other side of that imaginary line down the middle of the bed was a no-fly zone. Strangely, it was almost as if crossing that line was the catalyst that brought him to my dream. (A good friend of mine told me he wasn’t really angry, but simply wanted his side of the bed back. I could almost picture my husband speaking in Sheldon Cooper voice, “That’s my spot!”)
In any case, upon waking , I was so distraught that I immediately started Googling what it meant to dream of a departed spouse. I stumbled across a blog called Widow’s Speak Up! and the site will likely become a frequent reference source, but the post related to dreams is how I found it and was absolutely relevant. It seems quite common for widows to be unable (or perhaps unwilling) to dream of their husbands, especially in the early mourning period (and sometimes well beyond that) and for the dreams to be about being ignored, or shunned, or abandoned by their spouses in some way. Many women also report their husband coming to “show off” a new wife and family, so I’m fortunate that wasn’t the case in my dream.
I suppose a lot of this makes a great deal of sense. In life, we have been “left” and are desperately trying to process it all. We also are trying to find a way to bring our loved ones back. So in our dreams, we are trying to gain back some of that closeness and just want our husband to come home already. The reason they turn away is, naturally, because they cannot come back. It is perhaps our mind making a clear (yet painful) break. For those unfortunate women who are forced to see their husbands happy and content without them, perhaps it is their minds’ way of forcing the break when the women can’t seem to do it themselves. It’s easier to let go of someone who doesn’t want to be held onto any longer.
It seems for many of us that it takes awhile for the dreams to begin because we’re not yet ready to face reality. Although it taken me a few weeks to have my first dream, some of these widows have waited months and even years for their first one. Guess I’m ahead of the game on this one. “Lucky” me, since many women also confess the dreams go on for quite some time and are generally unsettling. Can’t say I’m looking forward to more of these.
Strangely, though, I feel better today than I have most of the week. It has been a rough one – my roughest so far. You would think that a dream with my husband essentially pushing me away angrily would set a negative tone for the day. It’s strange that it didn’t, but maybe I’m just glad he finally came to visit my dreams in any fashion. I’ll continue to ask him to visit, though. Pleasant or no, it was rather nice to see him…
© 2016 Many Faces of Cheri G All Rights Reserved
Many Faces of Cheri G 
I don’t know that it’s different for widowers, as opposed to widows, but I wouldn’t be inclined to think so. Bonnie died a little over 2 ½ years ago. I dream of her often, almost every night – still.
In my dreams, she and I are young, as young as when we first met. Neither of us is ever surprised to see one another; it’s as if we’re just leading our lives as if nothing had ever changed, as if she had never died. In these dreams, we are generally on some sort of mission — we’re a team — we are going somewhere, we are engaged in some activity having a common purpose. Sometimes, we are just talking, not about anything in particular; instead, it’s as if the act of conversing is the point of our conversation, rather than any particular subject matter. The dreams overall are positive, very positive.
It’s not as if this behavior was the norm for our lives together at the time of Bonnie’s death, either. Quite the contrary. We were together for 32 years, and after 32 years, we were not exactly in the throes of romance, sex and discovery. We were more like the old man and the old woman, love was familial, not romantic. I think we both felt the relationship was in decline, slipping through our fingers, as is the destiny of all relationships, should they go the distance. Feelings toward your mate WILL change, or perhaps, one or the other will die – but things will inevitably change. It’s the way of the world. Still, the relationship wasn’t bad, it was just not the same as when the relationship was new and we were in our thirties, nor would it ever be again – we both knew that.
I only had on bad dream in which Bonnie was mad at me. This was only about two weeks ago. However, even in the dream, I surmised that the “angry Bonnie” was an imposter. The character in the dream is not who she was in real life and 99% of the dreams have all been positive. Tonight’s dream of her will be positive.
I attribute the dreams of Bonnie, and even many of my daily thoughts, to having absorbed a portion of Bonnie’s spirit while she was alive, as if by osmosis. It can happen after so many years. So, in a way, she’s still with me, and will be until my own time comes.
~Manfred
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