I’ve avoided posting anything for several days now, mainly because I’m not sure what to say that I haven’t already said many times in various ways. It all boils down to the fact that I really miss my husband and I’m sad, and angry, and hollow knowing I’ll always miss him and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m trying. Every day I seem to smile a bit more, a few minutes longer. But then I feel guilty for being happy, even for a moment. I know I shouldn’t. It doesn’t do anyone any good, and A always wanted me to smile. Said making me happy made him happy. And he didn’t just say it. He proved it. Often.
Someone shared a story awhile back. A comforting story. Although I have not been able to verify the validity of it, it brought me hope then, and it still brings me a sense of peace now. In short, it had to do with the death of Princess Di, and how while she lingered between life and death, she was asked by God if she wanted to go back and live again on Earth, or remain a spirit. She chose to remain in spirit form because she knew she would be better able to watch over her sons that way.
The person sharing the story suggested that perhaps my husband made the same type of choice. Knowing that he suffered brain damage from the lack of oxygen during his heart attack, he knew that he would not be the same man had he stayed here on Earth. So he (selflessly) chose to watch over us all in spirit form instead. That scenario, while heartbreaking, is exactly the type of incredibly loving and unselfish choice he would make.
He made so many sacrifices throughout our life together, often making decisions that would make life better for others at his own expense. He would go out of his way to help a friend or family member, knowing it was unlikely he would get anything in return. He often refused to buy new clothes for himself because he wanted the kids to have the things they needed (and wanted). It isn’t too far a stretch to imagine that he made one last sacrifice, choosing to protect us in the best way possible.
When he was in the hospital, and we were being informed by the doctors and nurses that he likely would not ever be the same him that we knew and they explained the pros and cons of keeping him on the ventilator, my kids and I had many very long, very deep, very emotional discussions about what he would and would not want. We came to the conclusion that there certain things he could have dealt with, and others that he definitely couldn’t.
And we made the decision that we would wait to make any decision, believing that we
would know if and when one had to be made. In the end, though, that decision was taken from our hands. When his fever spiked so high in the end that no one in the hospital had ever witnessed it outside a textbook, and all his organs began shutting down, we were again faced with making a life-changing decision that we were not ready to make.
His heart gave out one last time and there was nothing to be done. He slipped away quickly while I stood in the hallway sobbing and praying and wishing against hope that he wouldn’t.
We believed this was his final gift to us – making the choice himself so we wouldn’t have to. But since hearing this story about Princess Di, I believe that he perhaps made not a decision to go, but to stay, in a way that he could protect us all, his entire family, everywhere and at the same time.
If you knew my husband, you would understand how likely this is. And so we will all continue to look for signs of him around us. And I will say thank you and blow a kiss when he’s near. If I can’t have him here with me, I’m glad he’s here with me…
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