Ain’t No Sunshine…

Yes.  I sometimes speak of my husband in the present tense.  Often, in fact.  And generally, I don’t even think about it being “wrong” until after the words pass my lips.  Then I have this hyperspeed conversation with myself, essentially going back and forth about what I said, why I said it, who I said…

Fighting for Love

A random string of memories popped up today, and not exactly the “best” ones.   I’m not entirely sure why they decided to rear their heads, although possibly, they may have come from hearing Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love and specifically the lyrics: “Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud.   Their piercing sounds…

My New Sleeping Partner

This Mother’s Day seemed hard, as were the days leading up to it.  Harder than last year, when I think I was still very deep in the numbness following A’s death.  In the initial hours, days and weeks of losing a loved one, there is a sort of blanket of despair that, while heavy and…

Lean on Me

My uncle is having open heart surgery today. This is my father’s younger brother and the father of my cousin / maid of honor / honorary nose wiper. Yes, I mean that cousin, the same one who dropped everything and hopped a flight to be by my side when A was in the hospital, despite the…

Stormy Season

Let me preface this post by saying that things are definitely getting “better” in my life.  I feel more like my former self all the time.  I know I’m healing, but don’t believe I can ever get to a point where I can say I’m “healed”. That being said, I have definitely felt a change…

My Funny Valentine

As you can imagine, today is tough already, and it has barely even started. I write this at just past midnight after tossing and turning for the past hour.  I had fallen asleep early, turning off the lamp and dozing off before 9, but woke suddenly just after 11 (11:11 to be precise, which has…

Grief is a Bully

I sometimes (often?) have arguments with the ghost of my husband.  Perhaps argument is too strong a word, and quite likely it isn’t really him or his ghost, but simply my own delusional mind still trying to make sense of everything. These disagreements are rarely about anything important, but isn’t that the way most marriages…