It’s easier to leave than to be left. 

That’s the thought that has been running through my head this week. S is on a business trip, his first time traveling without me since we got together more than five years ago. Dropping him off at the airport was tough for me. Tougher than it probably should have been given that I have taken several trips without him over the past five years.

I have flown to New England and Colorado on my own, for weddings, birthdays, and work. During those times, my days are filled with activity and there isn’t a lot of time to dwell on being apart.  Although it’s difficult sometimes falling asleep at night alone, it’s a comfort knowing S is home waiting for me. 

It’s not the same being the one left behind. My days of reasonable normalcy, with all their mindless, familiar tasks, make for too much time for my brain to wander. And wonder. And remember. And worry.

There can also be a certain amount of guilt as the one left behind because you sometimes feel you shouldn’t have fun without the other person. (I know… I know… I get it. I seem to have more than my fair share of guilt. You’re absolutely right. That is more true than you likely know and covers more ground than love and loss. But that’s a story for another day. Or not. S believes in focusing on the positive and guilt is definitely not generally a positive thing. It’s a tough lesson…)

But I don’t know if it’s because this is a rougher week than normal with A’s birthday arriving at the end of the week, or if this is something that I will always have to deal with in The After. A would have been celebrating his 58th birthday, which seems unreal to me. He likely would have had grayer hair and more wrinkles, and perhaps more of the aches and pains that come with aging, but for me, he will forever remain that just-turned-50-year-old with a few laugh lines and the beginnings of gray around the temples who could still challenge his teenage son on the basketball court. His “bum knee” from high school football never really slowed him down and his behavior was still quite youthful. 

In any case, this time of year, along with several others – wedding anniversary, anniversary of his heart attack and subsequent death, for example – always has me reminiscing. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Until it is. So maybe I’m just overly sensitive to S going away right now, but having an empty bed just brings up the memories… and the sadness. And it had me thinking as I drove away from the airport that “it’s easier being the one to leave than the one being left.”

That goes for relationships ending, spouses taking business trips, kids going away to college for the first time, and even sometimes, spouses dying. It could be because when you’re the one being left behind, things are out of your control. It could be that it’s more difficult to go about your everyday life when it’s missing someone that’s usually there. It could be that the one leaving is experiencing new things and doesn’t have the time to worry that the one being left does. Or it could be that it’s just me who has this problem. Please tell me I’m not the only adventurer who loves to travel to new places and experience new things but is still a Nervous Nellie who dreads someone leaving her behind. Please…?

No matter. S flies home today so my bed won’t be empty. I will get through another of A’s birthdays, hopefully able to focus more on the happy than sad. And I will, God willing, survive being left behind both short term and long, for many years to come.

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