Three months. That doesn’t seem like too long, does it? But when your world has been turned inside out and upside down and chaos has become normal, three months seems a lifetime. On the other hand, no time at all. I spend so much time in a fog that hours and days simply slip away without me noticing much of the time.
I woke up this morning at 3:00 a.m. and simply could not get back to sleep. Although sleep was fitful in the beginning, it had become more steady of late with 6 solid hours not unusual, so this bout of insomnia seemed random. It was certainly unwelcome.
I’m not sure at what point it hit me, but suddenly I realized that today is the three-month anniversary of my husband’s death. Apparently, even though I wasn’t consciously aware of it, somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew. I understood that this date, the 17th, will forever haunt me somehow, even when I don’t acknowledge it head on.
It hardly seems possible that a full month has passed since his Celebration of Life service. Still here we are. Another month down, another 30 days missing the man I love and the life we shared. Another hour further from who I was. Another minute toward the woman I will someday be.
My world has grown small, yet I wander around this empty space that is my life, searching for the piece of me that was lost.
My world has grown small, yet I wander around this empty space that is my life, searching for the piece of me that was lost. I’ve spoken before of trying to use this experience to become a better person, to forge my personal mettle into a sharp blade of character strength, much like a blacksmith shapes a molten piece of metal into a powerful sword. The process can be painful yet the end result a thing of beauty. The metal is changed, to be sure, but whether it is changed for the better or worse is up to the artisan. The flames are the same; where the heat is focused and how long each portion of the blade is allowed to stay in one place makes all the difference.
So I will continue to make strides forward where I can, moving sideways some days, and
backwards when it is out of my control. However, by remaining in constant motion, even while moving through the fog and emptiness, my hope is to become just a bit stronger, better, and more beautiful with each passing day.
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