Three months. That doesn’t seem like too long, does it? But when your world has been turned inside out and upside down and chaos has become normal, three months seems a lifetime. On the other hand, no time at all. I spend so much time in a fog that hours and days simply slip away without me noticing much of the time.
I woke up this morning at 3:00 a.m. and simply could not get back to sleep. Although sleep was fitful in the beginning, it had become more steady of late with 6 solid hours not unusual, so this bout of insomnia seemed random. It was certainly unwelcome.
I’m not sure at what point it hit me, but suddenly I realized that today is the three-month anniversary of my husband’s death. Apparently, even though I wasn’t consciously aware of it, somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew. I understood that this date, the 17th, will forever haunt me somehow, even when I don’t acknowledge it head on.
It hardly seems possible that a full month has passed since his Celebration of Life service. Still here we are. Another month down, another 30 days missing the man I love and the life we shared. Another hour further from who I was. Another minute toward the woman I will someday be.
My world has grown small, yet I wander around this empty space that is my life, searching for the piece of me that was lost.
My world has grown small, yet I wander around this empty space that is my life, searching for the piece of me that was lost. I’ve spoken before of trying to use this experience to become a better person, to forge my personal mettle into a sharp blade of character strength, much like a blacksmith shapes a molten piece of metal into a powerful sword. The process can be painful yet the end result a thing of beauty. The metal is changed, to be sure, but whether it is changed for the better or worse is up to the artisan. The flames are the same; where the heat is focused and how long each portion of the blade is allowed to stay in one place makes all the difference.
So I will continue to make strides forward where I can, moving sideways some days, and
backwards when it is out of my control. However, by remaining in constant motion, even while moving through the fog and emptiness, my hope is to become just a bit stronger, better, and more beautiful with each passing day.
© 2016 Many Faces of Cheri G All Rights Reserved
Many Faces of Cheri G 
Again I read your words and tears spring into my eyes and I am saddened by what you need to go through and work through to get to somewhat of a normal life again. Normal meaning whatever you feel is where you should be not what I might consider normal or what others consider normal for them.
Just so you know you are a very strong person, a beautiful human being and don’t ever doubt that! Your words express just how beautiful you are, your pictures show how beautiful you are now you need to believe it and know it is true. I pray everyday for you and the kids as I know many others are ❤ it is a long hard road but we are all here for all of you ! May you find peace soon ! xoxo
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Thank you. I appreciate the kind words, and definitely the prayers, as well. I’m not sure I will ever get to “normal” again. At least not where normal was. My life is forever changed and wherever I end up, it will be someplace new. Hopefully it will be solid and stable and someplace where I can be truly happy again someday.
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Cheryl, your writing is beautiful, I love how you interpret all of your feelings, and share them with us. Sometimes I feel as if I’m reading a book, a really emotional love story, that I feel the pain with you. Please know that I think of you, and your children often, and keep you all in my prayers. Stay strong, you have many people who care about, and love you.
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