Been feeling a bit guilty this past week or so. I bought Thank You cards several weeks ago with the full intention of finally writing to all those individuals who have been supporting me from the very moment they knew my husband had a heart attack. I’ve got dozens to write, yet each time I pull them out along with my list of addresses, I just can’t put pen to paper and say the words “thank you”. It’s somewhat surprising when you think about it, considering I spent a great deal of time spewing nonsense here, yet I can’t bring myself to simply say “thank you” there.
I’m not sure what the issue is. Maybe it’s overwhelming simply because I have to many to write that it’s exhausting just thinking about it. Perhaps it’s because it would be yet another step towards this loss feeling permanent. Maybe it’s simply because there just seems to be something so inherently wrong about saying “thank you” in this instance.
Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for all the comforting words and kind deeds shown to me, some of them coming from people and places I’ve least expected it. I’ve received cards and words of encouragement from old high school classmates I didn’t realize knew my name. I’ve heard from friends of friends and virtual strangers, many of whom are struggling with their own losses and somehow, surprisingly, find some comfort in the rantings of a mad woman. Me actually writing out the cards, however, seems to be a daunting task.
I’m hopeful that, much like my wedding Thank You’s nearly 26 years ago, once I begin the process will become easier. The obstacle seems to be starting. The “experts” say that notes should be sent within 2 weeks of the funeral. Well, there was no funeral and it has been much longer than 2 weeks since his passing, so I’m already “behind”, which only adds to the guilt.
Know this. One day – and hopefully one day soon – I will sit down and get these written and mailed. In the meantime, know that you have my heartfelt appreciation for things you may have said or done to help me through this time. Every phone call, card, email, text message, blog comment, message through social media, virtual hug and prayer has helped keep me going. They each seem to reach me when I need them the most.
So, thank you. You are very much appreciated.
xoxo Cheri G
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