This is my fourth attempt to write my blog post today. I’ve been attempting to keep things from being too somber, but I finally gave in, because obviously “this” needs to get out. I apologize in advance for the negativity. ~ Cheri G
Today was exactly one month since my husband’s passing and it has been quite a difficult day. I’ve found myself fighting anger and bitterness and doing my best not to let these negative emotions get me.
Then I finally realized that I am angry. I am bitter. I am heartbroken and have every right to be. While I know it will do me no good to wallow in my sorrow, I’ve come to understand that sometimes I truly need to let it wash over me so I can face it, feel it, and (hopefully) come out just a bit more whole on the other side.
I’ve spoken of this before, this forging through fire. It isn’t an easy process; it’s an extremely painful one. But it’s necessary. I cannot truly heal until I have processed everything. Only after acknowledging these negative motions can I move past them, even temporarily, to more pleasant thoughts and memories.
Like nearly everything else in life, however, there must be a balance. Even steel becomes brittle if it is cooled too quickly. If I force myself to “get past” the negativity or keep insisting that I focus on the positive in order to heal, I may end up doing more damage in the long run. If I try to rush the process or skip a step, I may have to go back and start over, causing the process to take longer than it “should”.
There’s an inspirational story that talks about the effect boiling water has on an egg, a carrot and coffee beans. Each is affected by the hot water (trials or hard times) differently and changes from the experience. It highlights how adversity changes people; whether they come out of an experience broken, hardened or stronger. I think of it occasionally when I’m facing something difficult, but even more so recently. I hope to not only become a better version of myself through this, but I also hope to influence those around me into becoming better versions of themselves, as well.
I’m not delusional in thinking that I will emerge from this fire unscathed, but I also don’t want to become so different that I am no longer the woman my husband fell in love with. I want to be a better version of myself, someone he would be proud to know and would propose to all over again. Is it strange that I’m aspiring to be a coffee bean?
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