Today was a rough day, and I’m not entirely sure why.
Perhaps it was that I have all three of my kids together at home with me for the first time in a few weeks, yet I have to be at work. Perhaps it’s because it’s the week leading up to Mother’s Day and this year is going to be different . Perhaps it is the fact that I’ve learned of a classmate’s passing, and the unexpected hospitalization of the best friend of a cousin, and if I thought my husband was too young, these individuals are even younger and it is all so unfair. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been feeling forgotten by some people I once considered friends, and even though I tell myself it shouldn’t bother me, it does. Perhaps it’s because I now have my husband’s ashes on my dresser, having been delivered by my oldest daughter last night, and it now seems final in a way it hadn’t before. Perhaps it’s all of these things. Perhaps it’s none.
About halfway through the day after being unexpectedly overcome by tears for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me that today was exactly one month since “that day”. So maybe that’s the main reason today is rough. That date in April will likely always cause me to pause and remember. Remember how abruptly things changed. I’ve spoken before of how I think of it as The Day the World Stopped. At least my world did. For the next two weeks, I was ensconced in my own little reality filled with doctors and nurses and medications and machines. It was the only world that existed for me. Then, suddenly, that reality ended and I was shoved into the really real world and it hadn’t stopped at all. It had kept going and suddenly I was way behind and confused, and unsure how to catch up. People had carried on with their own lives while mine was on hold.
I’m still trying to make my way in this new reality, and if today is any indication, there will definitely be good days, not so good days, and bad days. Today was definitely the latter. I’m trying to feel today, process it, and hopefully come out a little stronger tomorrow. Although at the moment, that seems like a remote possibility. I know it’s just the day talking, and honestly, I wish he would just “shut up”. Hopefully tomorrow, his nicer, more considerate sibling will show up to spend time with me. If not, I’ll muddle through until s/he does. But wish me luck that it doesn’t take too long, and that “this guy” doesn’t make too many visits. Or stick around too long when he does.
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