This Mother’s Day seemed hard, as were the days leading up to it. Harder than last year, when I think I was still very deep in the numbness following A’s death. In the initial hours, days and weeks of losing a loved one, there is a sort of blanket of despair that, while heavy and uncomfortable, still seems to block out most of the world. It’s as if you are in a semi-protected bubble that allows you to focus on yourself by keeping the rest of the world at bay.
In any case, Mother’s Day last year was a bit of a blur. Our kids had put together a photo album with pictures and memories of our lives with A, and it was a sweet gesture that touched my heart.
As the day approached this year, I have been alternately short-tempered, empty, angry, hollow, and simply emotionally spent. Granted, there have been numerous other factors contributing to this feeling of residing in an overwhelming void, but Mother’s Day just seemed to be standing at the center of it all.
My two younger children and I drove the two hours to spend the weekend with my oldest and her fiance (when they weren’t working like mad trying to save for their wedding/honeymoon fund, that is) and it was an enjoyable weekend overall, with trips to various local hot spots and hanging out by the pool.
Yesterday morning, we ate breakfast under a banyan tree by the intracoastal and enjoyed being together. At one point, my oldest daughter remarked that either we were the only table having fun, or we were simply crazy, because we seemed to be the only ones actually laughing out loud. (I believe it’s more than just a possibility that the correct answer is both…)
In any case, after breakfast, as we met in the parking lot near our cars, the kids gave me my official Mothers Day gift and card. Apparently, I am either just very readable, or my kids know me extremely well, because this year, they presented me with an oversized teddy bear sporting one of my husband’s old t-shirts. The bear was, in turn, presenting me with a half-dozen roses, and smelling of my husband’s favorite cologne. They had purchased a small bottle of it for me to maintain the scent for awhile, as well.
Naturally, big emotional wreck that I am, it reduced me to tears, as the gift was both thoughtful and bittersweet. And, if last night was any indication, it may actually help with my sleeping issues. Last night, I feel asleep with my arms curled around the bear, inhaling the familiar scent and actually slept nearly all night. Even an early morning bathroom trip wasn’t enough to keep me awake, although that has often been enough to wake me for hours at a time recently.
Now, it was only one night, and it could have been a result of all exhaustion from all the driving around I did this weekend (or perhaps the free Mother’s Day mimosas everyone was giving out finally hit me) , but I’m looking forward to seeing if my new bed partner may have a longer-lasting effect. No matter; it was a thoughtful gift and means more to me than my kids could know. Even one night of decent rest is a good thing, and my king sized bed didn’t seem quite so big and lonely last night.
Happy Mothers Day to Me! (And I hope the rest of you mothers had a day filled with love and laughter, as well.)
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