Yesterday I broke.
Although I have been broken for quite some time, yesterday was a complete breakdown. The whys and hows don’t really matter, just suffice to say that a fairly minor (in the grand scheme of things) event occurred. Another headache I don’t need, another expense I can’t afford which caused a major meltdown that still isn’t over today. It was the proverbial straw to this camel’s back. Although I have been feeling hurt, and empty, and numb since early April, this was the first time I have felt utterly alone and lonely.
I thought I was holding it together fairly well. I’ve had more than a few crying jags and seriously painful moments, but they have had a beginning and an end, and then I’m able to process and move on. These past 24 hours or so, I have felt stuck. Stuck in this endless loop of self-pity and despair. Stuck feeling empty and alone, while at the same time simply beyond caring.
Even as I write this, tears stream down my face and I (once again) am thankful my employment is such that I can go on about my workday without having to put on a brave face. I’m not sure I have it in me today.
Have I been fooling myself all these months? When I thought I was doing well, was I mistaken and the full force of everything hadn’t hit me until now? Or is it because that one little straw tipped the scales to the point of no return and threw my world completely off balance?
I suppose it doesn’t really matter the reason, does it? It’s just one more thing I’ve got to deal with on my own. Simply another blatant confirmation that my life is forever changed. Proof that despite all my claims to the contrary, I’m not capable of doing this, and I’m really angry that I have to.
If you’ve been following me for awhile, you know that I usually try to find the silver lining, to focus on the positives. Today, I see no silver lining. Today there is no sunshine peeking through the clouds and creating a rainbow of promise. Today, I see only darkness. I see a long road ahead of me that I’m traveling alone, not by desire, but by necessity and I’m cursing the unfairness of it all.
If history is any indication, this too shall pass. The sun will rise again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. Life goes on and I will hopefully be capable of joining the world again. And the odds are good that I will again find the roses rather than merely the thorns.
But today, I just don’t have the strength. Or the interest. And I’m going to have to be OK with that. Because the one thing I have learned above all else on this journey I never wanted to be on, is that I must be kind to myself. Because if I’m not, how can I expect anyone else to be.
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