Broken

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Yesterday I broke.

Although I have been broken for quite some time, yesterday was a complete breakdown.  The whys and hows don’t really matter, just suffice to say that a fairly minor (in the grand scheme of things) event occurred.  Another headache I don’t need, another expense I can’t afford which caused a major meltdown that still isn’t over today.  It was the proverbial straw to this camel’s back.  Although I have been feeling hurt, and empty, and numb since early April, this was the first time I have felt utterly alone and lonely.

I thought I was holding it together fairly well.  I’ve had more than a few crying jags and seriously painful moments, but they have had a beginning and an end, and then I’m able to process and move on.  These past 24 hours or so, I have felt stuck.  Stuck in this endless loop of self-pity and despair.  Stuck feeling empty and alone, while at the same time simply beyond caring.

Even as I write this, tears stream down my face and I (once again) am thankful my employment is such that I can go on about my workday without having to put on a brave face.  I’m not sure I have it in me today.

Have I been fooling myself all these months? When I thought I was doing well, was I mistaken and the full force of everything hadn’t hit me until now?  Or is it because that one little straw tipped the scales to the point of no return and threw my world completely off balance?

I suppose it doesn’t really matter the reason, does it?   It’s just one more thing I’ve got to deal with on my own.  Simply another blatant confirmation that my life is forever changed.  Proof that despite all my claims to the contrary, I’m not capable of doing this, and I’m really angry that I have to.

If you’ve been following me for awhile, you know that I usually try to find the silver lining, to focus on the positives.  Today, I see no silver lining.  Today there is no sunshine peeking through the clouds and creating a rainbow of promise.  Today, I see only darkness.  I see a long road ahead of me that I’m traveling alone, not by desire, but by necessity and I’m cursing the unfairness of it all.

If history is any indication, this too shall pass.  The sun will rise again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the day after that.  Life goes on and I will hopefully be capable of joining the world again.  And the odds are good that I will again find the roses rather than merely the thorns.

But today, I just don’t have the strength.  Or the interest.  And I’m going to have to be OK with that.  Because the one thing I have learned above all else on this journey I never wanted to be on, is that I must be kind to myself.  Because if I’m not, how can I expect anyone else to be.

© 2016 Many Faces of Cheri G All Rights Reserved

9 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Another day, when I wish I lived closer and could give you a giant, hug. I know it won’t miraculously make your journey easier or your heart lighter. But I wish I could make today brighter, for a moment. Know you are loved by so many . . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It was going to happen sometime because you need these kind of days to clean out everything you think you haven’t kept inside. I am sorry they have to hurt so bad and I wish I could stop the pain you are going through <3. I can give you my love, send prayers your way and loving thoughts, support you and listen to you and whatever else might ease your pain. I think you may have a few more of these kind of days in the coming months and although they are very painful in their own way they are also helpful even though you may not see it at the time. Continue to be kind to yourself and lean on others if you need to it is ok. There are many here for you Cheri , and Love you, and sad that you have to go through this.
    May the sun shine on your face and fill your heart with Love and Peace. God will get you through the tough days ❤ xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. Knowing that there are more days like this waiting in the wings is so disheartening. I have connected with several other widows and it seems that even those who have been widowed for years and have fallen in love and married again still have days such as these. Your kind words are much appreciated… xoxo

      Like

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